two jars. one corgi. zero chill.
Small-batch hot sauce made in Washington from peppers we grow out back and probably shouldn't have. Fresh local ingredients, canned in Ball jars, labeled in Sharpie, and dangerous enough to need a name.
Both start in the same backyard dirt. One sneaks up on you. The other files the paperwork. Every batch is tiny, hand-cooked, and slightly different — that's a feature.
ICU
"Named after where you're headed."
Looks like a sunset, hits like a verdict. Deceptively golden and fruit-forward for about one second — then it clears its throat and files the paperwork. Our hottest jar by a mile. The name is a warning, not a brand.
No Death
"Named honestly. You'll live."
Dark, smoky, and aged on the grate — all the backyard flavor, none of the hospital visit. Reaper-adjacent heat you can actually taste through. The one you reach for when you want dinner, not a dare.
A field-tested scale of human reaction, drawn from real tasting sessions on David's back porch. Slide your finger along the stages. Most people stop volunteering around stage four.
Reactions are dramatized (barely). Keep water, milk, and your dignity nearby.
We made the crew eat their own cooking. No retouching, no stunt doubles — just chips, sauce, and consequences.
No lab. No factory. Just a grate, a pot, and a man who tells the peppers thank you. Every batch is cooked low and slow until the kitchen clears out on its own.
Grown and bottled right here in Washington with fresh local ingredients — peppers, garlic, and aromatics picked just up the road, never trucked in from a warehouse.
Two of them. One has thumbs.
Dark eyes, darker roux, a beard going respectfully gray. Grows the peppers, runs the grate, and names the sauces after whatever the last batch did to him. If the kitchen's on fire, that's not an emergency — that's dinner.
Short of leg, long of opinion. Officially supervises floor-level quality control and anything that falls. Has never tasted the product and intends to keep that streak alive. Paid in crumbs. Worth more.
"Put ICU on eggs. Saw the eggs' entire life flash before mine. 10/10."
"No Death is a lie and David knows it. I briefly left my body. Would again."
"The corgi watched me eat it with no expression. I understood then."
"One drop in a pot of chili fed twelve people and started one argument."
"Tastes like a sunset that owes you money. ICU is my whole personality now."
"Put ICU on eggs. Saw the eggs' entire life flash before mine. 10/10."
"No Death is a lie and David knows it. I briefly left my body. Would again."
"The corgi watched me eat it with no expression. I understood then."
"One drop in a pot of chili fed twelve people and started one argument."
"Tastes like a sunset that owes you money. ICU is my whole personality now."
Fall special: buy two jars, the third's on us — order before Thanksgiving and give the whole family table something to cry about (happy tears, mostly). Batches are tiny and they go fast.
Pick your poison, pick your pile. We'll pretend to ship it with love.